Do you think these thoughts?

Here are a few minutes inside my head

Where are the individuals who aren’t too tired of the world, the ones who still have the energy to want to care and try and be the best version of themselves that they can be? I weirdly thought for a long time that everyone alive was always trying to be the best person alive. Like a leaderboard to get into heaven. Maybe that’s not true exactly. But why do I hate the world right now?

I love working with someone who gets excited at the idea of creating something great, new, together. Someone who sees beyond possibility, literally predicting the future together. Can you do that? So many people are focused on controlling the people who don’t realize the Ouija board exists in the first place. I feel this is the issue when it comes to power dynamics. A friend wrote a line in a script a year or so ago that I think of often, something like “Religion is the opiate for the masses.”

That feels like the most accurate statement for every organized religion to me.

But what about the people who don’t feel like one of the masses? Do those people just eventually get lumped into the “people who don’t feel like one of the masses” masses? The people who realize the Ouija board exists. The people who think using Duck Duck Go makes it so they aren’t grouped together as a similar audience in someone’s dataset somewhere? They become the Duck Duck Go audience. What is it inside of me that feels like everyone I meet is condescending instead of being inviting? Is that a power move? Am I projecting? Should I take this as a sign from the Ouija board people to move along?

It’s a very fine line between getting it or not getting it. If you get it, I don’t think trying to sedate the masses is the way to go. I read something recently about the progression of creativity in life, and how for some people, you pick up many creative acts in life as you grow older and enjoy mastering all of them. That resonates with me. But also what to do in my life. How can I be awake and not be crippled by the idea of the future? I’m on some trajectory and I need to transfer. All of it at once.

I’ve been here before in life. It’s pretty much where I’ve always been.

“Evolution is the single greatest force in the universe; it is the only thing that is permanent and drives everything” - Ray Dalio

The hard part is knowing how and what to pivot to next in life. I’m not as tired of the work as much as I’m tired of the power dynamics in life. Maybe I’m just outta control.

Oddly, looking to religious techniques comes in handy here. Old Jedi mind tricks. More reliably, playing Fortnite to unravel my rage by “eliminating” (the family friendly way of saying killing) 5-10 players per game and proving to myself that the blockade of my childhood lack of video games will not stop me from trying to be the best person at Fortnite in the world. Is that likely or possible? No. But it is enough to distract me from the unending doom of life being a constantly unraveling evolution while we are alive, for enough time to somewhat enjoy life for 25 minutes at a time without distraction. Or playing for hours at a time alone in my apartment at night. I have become something else. I have let myself evolve into something without really paying attention to as a response to being left to my own devices too frequently. I’m a glutton. I will excuse my excessive gaming by proclaiming to myself in my head that “I might learn something that can be applicable to life” so it is not a total loss. But I remind myself that it is my mother’s voice in my head with such proclamations that everything must be done for a purpose, and video games are inherently purposeless. I find excuses and more excuses to not face the futureless trajectory that I have and must continue to grown upon.

I have, in recent times, rarely felt the urge to create music. Is this the creative evolution in practice? Or am I being avoidant? I have little interest in socializing in Los Angeles. I’m not tired of it here but I’m tired of being here. I don’t want to change but I want everyone else to change. But if I had to change I would change location and move to upstate New York to the house next door to my dad’s house from his childhood because it is listed for sale on Zillow and it’s not that expensive. I want to connect with other people playing music, and record live drums and piano in a weird home recording setup. For some reason I’ve always thought LA would be the ideal place for such an operation, but the Ouija people here are misinformed by their own insecurity of self—so much so that it creates a vacuum of self and creates a mindless groupthink because they don’t really get it. They just want to get it. And they pretend to get it. Because they want to be part of the group. But there is no group. There is only self. There are leaves of the plant but it’s all the plant. Maybe.